Vomit Stories
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Blowing Chunks
Unlike most
contributors, I am an older woman (54) and a former high school teacher.
But, I have a great revenge-puke story. A year ago I had a major back surgery
and was confined to my hospital bed. I was given very strong pain medication
through an IV, and it gave me a crushing headache and nausea. I was on a
liquid-only diet, and had just eaten my green jello and milk lunch. I had
a real "Nurse Rachet" type who repeatedly ignored my complaints of nausea.
I rang the bell repeatedly and told her that I needed a basin quickly
as I was sure I was going to vomit. Not only was I hooked to the IV, I couldn't
even get out of bed yet because of the brace on my back, so I was totally at her
mercy.
She'd stick her head in the door, and snottily say, "In a minute
dear, I'm BUSY right now. Like other people's complaints were more important
than my own. Well, she finally deigned to bring my basin, and even though
I swear I didn't plan it, I projectiled all over the front of her as soon as she
got close to my bed. It was a wonderful technicolor green with jello chunks mixed
in with sour milk curds. I splatted her mostly on the chest but also got
her face and hair. The look on her face was priceless. She was so mad and
disgusted that I know she would have slapped me if she could have gotten away
with it. I guess she got her own revenge though, because she left and didn't
send anyone in to clean up for a long time. I didn't see her again for the
rest of that shift.
I wonder if she'll be too busy next time to
ignore complaints for nausea from a patient.
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Explosion
I'm 17, and a week ago, I was just working on a science project
with my friend at home. She starts puts her hand over her mouth then runs to the
toilet and I hear her go, “BLEEEEEEEEEGH!!!!!!” There was a trail
of puke that looked like spilled coffee. Then she comes out and goes right back
in. When she comes out I go in and there I go, stepping in puke. When I step forward
again, there I go AGAIN, stepping in puke. I see that the bathroom floor is covered
in her puke!!! That made ME puke! My friend passed out puking. Then she wets her
pants unconscious. My mom screamed to wake her up.
Then she puked blood.
My mom and I gagged as we cleaned it up and it took forever because I kept puking.
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The Long Way Home
When I was about nine, ( I am now 42) my mother,
sister and I were making the two-hour drive to my grandmother’s house for
the weekend. About halfway there, my Mom’s VW bug sputtered and died.
I was coming down with something and had already had to stop and hurl once.
We stood by the side of the road trying to figure out what to do. (No cell phones
back then!) A few minutes later, a sweet little old lady in a very old,
but mint condition sedan pulled up and offered us a ride to the bus station in
Boston. What a good Samaritan!
A few minutes later, the dreaded
churning of my stomach began. “I have to throw up again” I whispered
to my Mom from the back seat. “Open up your suitcase and do it in
there!” she replied. “I am not asking this sweet lady to pull
over!” I quietly unzipped my suitcase and spewed the contents of my
stomach all over my clothing. The lady didn’t seem to notice,
or was too polite to say anything. I truly believe this woman was a saint
because the stench was overwhelming!
We made it to the bus station without
further incident, but it was not over yet. Aboard the bus, the diesel fumes
were not helping my condition. The nausea rode once again. Another
sweet old lady (they’re everywhere) must have noticed the green hue of my
face and offered me a butterscotch to “settle my stomach”. The
mere thought of the butterscotch in my mouth was too much and, once again, I put
my suitcase/barfbag to use.
An hour later, I was finally lying on my grandmother’s
couch, wastebasket at the ready, while Nana, the sweetest old lady of them all,
took my suitcase without hesitation and laundered my clothes.
This story
is dedicated to sweet old ladies everywhere!
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The Black Death
I wanted to tell ya this story i have. My mates and
I still laugh about this to this day.
We were all drinking at my mate
Luke's house (parents were away, yanno, makin the most of it). The mian crew was
myself, with my girlfriends Jess and Tam, and my male mates, Luke, Clayton, Jarad,
and Russell, and about 6 or 10 other stragglers.
Let me just say that
Russell is a little man. and doesn't drink very much. And what do best mates do
when they find a weakness of each other... Exploit it like mad.
The boys
fed Russell so many drinks that the poor boy couldn't even think of standing without
feeling sick, let alone actually do it. All in all, I remember us having 1 bottle
Bundy OP, 1.5 bottles of vodka, 1 bottle of tequila, 2 cartons of beer, 1
bottle of Real McCoy Burbon, 1 bottle of Jack Daniels, 1 bottle of Cougar, and
1.5 botles of Jim Beam , and say a case of girlie drinks (that the girls would
have brought between them), 1 bottle of Southern Comfort, and im sure there would
have been a large array of things that were floating around in the mean time.
Anyhow, he was doing really well considering the drinking torture the
boys had put him through. I love Black Sambuca, so I thought I'd crack my
bottle. The boys looked at each other, and just grinned, pouring a normal drinking
glass full for Russell, and dared him to scull it. Being male and extremely drunk...
he did.
After an hour or two, Russ wasnt coping with the vertigo
thing very well, and was starting to feel rather seedy, so I gave him 2 panadol,
a litre of cold water and guided him into Luke's sisters room (as she wasnt home
for the weekend, and we figured he'd be safe there as it was close to the toilet
in case it was needed)
About 5 am, we hear this scrabbling from
bedroom to bathroom, and the most wicked sounding heave in the world. We all looked
at eachother and went to check on Russ. The poor boy had been sick all in the
bedroom.... only problem is, this bedroom is Luke's sisters, and its completely
white, and after drinking Black Sambuca, your vomit turns this lovely deep violet
purple colour.
He managed to spew on the white wall, on the white carpet,
in Luke's sisters clothes drawers, on the matress, all over himself, all over
the pillow and somehow even managed to get some on the roof. I was the only one
who's guts wasnt churning enough to clean it up, but I tell ya, it look at long
time to get the colour and smell out, and I wasnt feeling so pretty afterwards.
But you've gotta do what you've gotta do, when you've had a party that the parents
dont know about, and you know would lose the plot if they ever found out, but
at least nothing was broken.
Mind you, I couldnt help but laugh... and
the others were trying very hard to stifle their giggles... everyone that was,
except for Russ who was just hoping he wasn't going to die.
To this day,
Russ can't stomach the smell of Black Sambuca, but at least we can laugh about
it.
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Taped Desk
This happened
when I was in 4th grade. I wasn't feeling well, so I went to the nurse's office.
Unfortunately, she wasn't there! Then, I went to the secretary, and before I could
say anything, I threw up all over her desk!!! I apologized, and she accidentally
said,"Oh,sh*t!" She said that the last time someone spewed near her, she started
spewing too. The janitor put 'police line' tape all around the desk!
Luckily,no
classmates knew about it.
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Not in the Fish Bowl!
okay.. so i was at my friends house and my friend decided to bring out some bacardi. i had never drank before so i took this as a golden opportunity, by drinking my drink as well as both of my friends while they went to get more molson. well the last thing i remember is doing a somersault and in the morning i woke up drenched in sick and for some reason cranberry juice. apparently i got hungry but couldnt get it in my mouth while i was getting sick. anyways, i got up to see that my friends fish bowl was gone... confused i asked what happened and what happened was, i had decided i needed to get sick, so i grabbed the first thing near me. killed the goddamn fish.oops i guess :)
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I Puked and Puked and Puked!
I was travelling home from a birthday party and was almost home when my stomach lurched and I felt puke rumbled in my gut making my head spin. I felt so sick I puked just as soon I opened the car door and fell onto the grass. I puked and puked until I could puke no more, then I came inside and my mom helped me up to the toilet where I puked again. I was sick all night so I slept in the bathroom and most of the time my puke was green with gray chunks and the sight of it only made me puke again.
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The Goodnight Kiss
So I had been out all night partying at a nearby college's frathouse when I met this lovely girl who actually went to the same college as I did. We were flirting for a bit, and we decided to go back to the dorms for a little fun. Yet, she didn't want to leave her drunk friend alone at the party, so I offered to give her friend a ride home as well.
The ride was going pretty well, yet I thought her friend in the back had been a little too quiet. Nonetheless, I was horny, and trying to get on the girl in the front seat while driving. So, at a stoplight we began to kiss a little bit, yet it was suddenly ruined. I weird sounds from the back then felt warm liquid go all over the side of my and the girl I had been kissing's face. It was sick. I freaked out, and opened my door and vomitted all over the street as well. I found out the girl in the front did as well. And if this hadn't been bad enough, as we all finished puking, I looked out of my car to see campus police watching the whole event take progress. They could have arrested us for drunk in public, yet decided to let us go as they were too busy laughing mercilessly at us. I thought I deserved to get off anyway for all the shit I had just gone through.
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The New Couch
I was about 7 years old when I did something really stupid. I was watching a Yankees vs. Red Sox game. I had been snacking on pretzels during the game with my brothers. We were having a good time. So after the pretzels were gone, I decide to eat the extra salt. That made me thirsty. So I drank about half a can of Tropicana Twister and then laid down on the couch. It got to be really bad. I started feeling really nauseous. Then this red stuff came out of my mouth and partially on the couch, but mostly all over the floor. When my mom came in, she couldn’t have been madder. She screamed at me for throwing up on her brand new couch. I didn’t eat anything else for the rest of the day.
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Scout Camp
Last summer, right after I turned 10, I went to Boy Scout Camp. Let’s just say it was the stupidest camp ever! I was real homesick, so I didn’t eat anything for 3 days. The first 2 days I was fine. Then the third day at breakfast, I woke up really really nauseous. So I went outside and threw up. Then I went into the cafeteria and threw up again. They sent for my Dad came to pick me up two hours later. I haven’t been more embarrassed.
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The Clam Bake
It was July 5th 1997 when I woke up at 6:00 a.m. with a horrible stomach
ache. I attributed it to the clams I had the day before. My buddies and I
had gone to the Lake Tahoe for July 4th and we had an outstanding number of
beers and ate clams and some other sea food that my girlfriend prepared for
us.
I figured the stomach ache would go away so I tried to sleep it off but, a
few minutes later, my stomach started to churn. It was churning so loudly
that I woke my girlfriend up! She asked me if I was OK and, when I told her
what was going on, she rubbed my stomach lightly, as if to comfort me. Her
good intentioned rub set my stomach off like a bomb and it felt ready to
explode, so I ran to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I was
overcome with this uncontrollable urge to puke and shit at the same time so
I decided to sit on the toilet and liquid and air started to pour out of my
behind like a firehose! The smell made me want to puke even more so I
flushed, turned around, and knelt in front of the toilet.
By this time, my girlfriend was knocking on the door. "Are you OK, honey?".
All I could think was "Shut up and go away". I was embarrased because I knew
it would not be long before she got to smell what she had just heard. I
focused my attention on the toilet again and all of a sudden, I started to
puke. It was projectile puke, getting all over the toilet and the wall
behind it. As I heaved and puked, louder and with more force, the effort
made me shit! I shit my boxer shorts, my legs, the bathroom floor... it was
the most disgusting thing that's ever happened to me.
After a few minutes of this, my girlfriend freaking out on the other side of
the door and me almost passing out from the dehydration, I decided to get
up and grab a towel to sop everything up. Bad idea, I was dizzy and I
slipped on my own vomit/shit and fell on the floor, on top of everything. I
was so disgusted that I threw up again, while laying on the floor sideways.
After a few moments of rest in my own soil, I finally grabbed the towel and
layed it over the floor to cover up and soak up everything. I got in the
shower, rinsed off, and opened the bathroom door. My girlfriend was crying.
I was so embarrased I should have been the one crying. Anyway, she actually
put me in bed and cleaned up the mess in the bathroom. The puke/shit
combination happened a few more times but, this time, I sat on the toilet
and held a trashcan in front.
My advice, never eat clams if they've been prepared by a drunken girlfriend.
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Chicken Noodle Soup
Let me start by saying that I haven't puked since the 4th grade. I am now 24. Ok, here we go. I got to work feeling fine and by 10:00am or so, well, not so much. I phoned the other supervisor and asked her to come in early. She did, and I was so grateful. I felt, and looked awful. I made it home without throwing up, but that was about it. when I got home, I decided just to rest a bit on the couch. after about an hour, I began to feel really sick, so I went to the bathroom and threw up a couple of times. I was feeling worse. I went back on the couch and rested for a while longer. At about 5:00pm I had to throw up again, I ran to that washroom and puked A LOT in the toilet. I thought I was done, but wasn't, so when I stood up, I puked again 3 more times in the sink.
I wasn't feeling any better, but decided to have some chicken noodle soup, it's supposed to work, right? WRONG! I had about 4 spoon fulls then puked right there, in the bowl. so, it was about 7:00pm now and I decided to go to bed to calm my stomach. I slept till about 2:30am, then woke up feeling sick. I thought I could wait it out a bit, but, oh no, I couldn't, I threw up right there in the bed, A LOT. I couldn't stop throwing up for about half an hour, all over the bed. I finally stopped and managed to change the sheets, but felt too sick to lay down. I moved to the couch where I could rest sitting up. I stayed like that till about 4:30 am where I ran to the bathroom and threw up again. I finally managed to fall asleep till 8:00am, where, yup, you guessed it, I threw up again. I decided to drink some juice, and couldn't, because it came right back up. so then I decided to try water, but that too came right back up. I phoned my co-worker and said that I wouldn't be able to come in because I was still sick. she told me to take a hot shower. it sounded like a good idea, so I did. the heat on my back made me feel a little better, as did the water on my face. then, of course, it didn't...I threw up well more than 10 times while I was in the shower. I decided to try and drink some water again, but it came right back up. I slept the rest of the day, and well into the night, until about 1:00am when I felt even worse, if you can imagine, I made a dash to the washroom and pucked until the toilet was practically overflowing with vomit. I stood up and vomited in the sink. I went to the kitchen, and thew up in the kitchen sink. I was so sick. I went back to sleep and woke around 11:00am. I was walking towards the couch, when I felt like I was going to throw up, so I made my way to the washroom, but didn't make it,I puked on the floor, just before toilet.
I puked one more time after that, and thank god it was all over.
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The Return of the Banana
One day last year, I was at school with my best fiends Josephine and Kate and a gal called Kim that we hate was
tryin 2 hang out with us. We were about to tell her to leave us alone when we
walked past this dead bird and Kim started
gagging. Josie had just finished her banana. We walked around for a while
then Kim says "I'M GONNA BARF"and runs to the toilet, we run behind her 2
pretend to comfort her but actully we want 2 watch her barf, but she stops
halfway and Josie has gone infront of her to comfort her and see why she
stopped. Then all over Josies shoes,
BLERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. It stank and was really chunky
because we had just eaten lunch. then the smell and consistancy of it made
Josie hurl down the front of herself, the bananna returns!!!!!
I almost barfed just telling this story remembering it and I swear it's all true!!
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The Airbourne Puke
Well I was on the plane to go to Hamilton island, a 5 hour plane trip. We were
an hour and 45 minutes into the flight and I was feeling ok, I had
just had a sandwich, then about half
an hour later I started felling a bit queasy but I started reading and I
thought it would go away, luckily it did. So since I felt better I had a can
of Pepsi BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD IDEA!!! I started feeling nauteous and queasy, I was deciding if I was going to run to the toilet or not and I thought i'd
just use the barf bag. That feeling when your head gets hot and stuff, you
know what I mean if you barf on planes. Then I felt REALLY bad. I got the barf bag and hurled like hell, it was soooooooooooooo gross it had
pieces of bread in it and lettuce and everything!!!! but then the barf bag
overflowed all over me!!! I spewed more until I had filled up 5 in the end
and the sight and smell made me keep going and doing it more and more
I stopped after 5 barfbaggs and then the guy next to me, I thought he was gonna
barf and then he just burped, I was so releived because I barf if somone
elese barfs, even if my stomach is empty. Then BLERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR he
barfed all over himself and ME. I was looking for a barf bag but there was
none left so I tried to hold it until I could get to the toilet and I thought I still
had a few minutes and then all over myself BLURGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
the air hostess came up to me and asked me to stop because I was DISTURBING
the other passengers!!! I replyed with a huge projectile vomit. I fixed her
good. She left me alone for the rest of the flight. I barfed about 20 more
times in the flight I made it to the toilet for most of them!!!
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The Biology of Barfing
A couple of weeks ago I was in my Biology class at my university. My professor walked in looking like he was going to puke. So being a considerate student, I asked him if he was feeling okay. He answered
"No not really I might go home after this class."
So anyway he started his lecture when all of a sudden he started to vomit pink colored chunky liquid. Obviously the class started to say things like "gross", "he is blowing chunks everywhere", "what the sicko is going on!"
He tried to get out the door but it was stuck. He threw up again this time the vomit was green. He left the class and the other professors opened their doors trying to find out what the commotion was.
Behold the professor was throwing up in the hall. One professor even told the other professors to send their students in the hall to see him throwing up. When everyone was in the hall people started to tease him. The news spreaded like a wild fire.
Even though it was 5 weeks ago no one ever let him live it down.
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The Boss Barf
Ok, so it was my first day at this job in an ice cream place and I had just eaten Mexican food, bad idea!! So I was getting this lady some ice cream when I suddenly felt nauseous. I gave her the ice cream and asked my friend to take over for a while....she didn't!
So I am on my knees in the bathroom stall waiting to puke but nothing but dry heaves came, then my boss comes in and says "Molly are you there?" and I said "yes" and flushed the toilet to make it look like I was going to the bathroom. I got up got out of the stall and had this HORRIBLE STOMACH ACHE!
My boss asks why there are like 5 customers waiting and I just stand there with one hand over my mouth and one on my stomach waiting to blow chinks. I try to answer but instead I blow chunks all over my boss and then run into the stall and puke so much it runs out of the toilet!
My boss goes home changes clothes and tells me to go back to work! I felt so horribly sick! a
A
ny way I was giving this kid her ice cream and all of the sudden I puke all over her and the ice cream!
I ran into the stall and then had dry heaves for about an hour, so my boss says I can go home and so I do and blow chunks over and over!
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The Randy Ralph
Ok this is the date I will never forget. I loved this really hot guy named Randy - blonde curly hair, the works. Well I wasn't feeling good one day but to my surprise Randy asked me out for that night. I was totally happy but I knew I might be sick but I wouldn't let that stop me.
Sooo, the date was going fine and he bent over to kiss me when I felt like I was going to puke! I tried to pull away but I couldn't - I guess I basically ralphed in Randy's MOUTH!
OMG I can still never look him in the eye!
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Recycling
Once when I was at home, I threw up and it was creepy.......then I went back and ate it!
p.s.: vomit tastes like chicken when you put salt on it before eating.
CAUTION: the only side effect is that later, you'll throw up again!
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The Prom Nightmare
My best friend in high school was going to the mall with a prom date to help pick out the tuxedo he would wear to the event. Another couple came along. My friend had eaten spaghetti for dinner.
At the mall, her tummy began to hurt and she felt queasy. The tummy ache got worse and worse but she thought she could wait till she got home to puke. Finally, she told her date she didn't feel good and needed to sit down. They sat down on a bench and she proceeded to vomit a huge quantity of red spaghetti everywhere. They then went up the escalator so she could use the bathroom to wash up. On the way down the escalator, she realized she had to puke again. There was a trash can at the bottom, so she went running down the escalator and barely made it. The puke splashed out over the side and went everywhere. They had to make several stops on the way home for her to be sick some more.
She was so embarrassed but amazingly the guy still took her to the prom.
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The Back Seat Driver II
One time I went over my cuz's house. I said hi to her, but she did not answer
so I ignored her back. She started to fart I said 'whats that smell????' She
said 'it wasn't me!!' We argued over who would get to sit in the front seat
in the car. In the end I gave up and sat in the back.
Then when we go on the highway she told her Mom she need a bag, then all of
the sudden she puked all over the front seat. I said I wanted to go back home,
I was so scared that she would puke on me. The her Mom pulled over to clean
the yucky mess my uncle just stared laughing. The next day we went to go see
finding nemo, there were still yellow chunks on the glove department!!
After that I never sat in the front seat again.
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The Absent-Minded Teen
A few years ago when I was about 16, I went to my 3rd, no parent supervision
party that year. There were all types of drinks there. so being a absentminded
teen, I tried every 14 of them @ least 3 or 4 times! I didn't feel so good later
because I felt kinda dizzy. The room had started to spin, and I thought I was
gonna pass out, so I sat down for a little bit and filled up on food that they
had.
BAD IDEA! 30 to 45 minutes later, I know I was about to puke, so I ran for the
nearest bathroom and wouldn't you know it I completely missed! I sprayed all
over the floor, toilet and walls. After that I got up cleaned up the mess and
went back out to the party. Of course I wasn't the only one pretty shot at that
time. My friend GiGi was the same way, so together we both headed out the door
to my house. The entire way home, my friend and I were holding our stomachs
they hurt so bad! That's when the feeling came back. I ran for the bushes and
puked like hell has never seen before. Seeing this my friend came and joined
me with my Niagara falls of spew. After this we got back up and went home and
slept until about 2:15am when I had the urge to vomit one more time. I'll never
forget how messy the bathroom was -filled with puke ALLLLLLL over. That was
a night I'll never forget.
Never go to a party as an absent-minded teen!
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Karaoke Crooner
We decided to try something different for our office Christmas party this year,
so we went to a Karaoke Bar. It started out innocently enough, with the usual
off key singers and the like. The big mistake was a 1/2 price drinks happy hour
from 8 till 9pm. That really set the stage for the rest of the evening. Billy
from Accounts, who is a little overweight, got talked into doing a rendition
of Meatloaf's 'You took the words right out of my mouth'.
In the second chorus he really went for it and instead of hitting a high C he
hit a high P - he puked on stage, all over the microphone and the first two
rows of people.
That was the end of the evening's entertainment. No one was touching the mike
after that.
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Home Run
My Brother and I went to a ball game last summer. We were running late and I didn't get any breakfast or lunch, so my stomach was a bit queasy and I was pretty hungry.
At the end of the third inning we went to the hotdog stand. They looked kind of gross, but I was starving, so I didn't complain. About half an hour later there were some rumblings in my tummy and I burped a couple of times. Then all of a sudden I got a sharp pain in my stomach and a hot gush of puke surged out of my mouth. There was a huge guy sitting in front of us and some of it splashed down his back. He turned around and was pretty angry. My brother looked at me in horror. He grabbed my arm and led me down the aisle screaming 'medical emergency!' We ran down the steps of the bleachers and all the way back to the car without looking back.
I never found out who won the game, but it was the fastest home run I've ever done!
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The Early Drinker
One day I was at a party and 3 of my best friends were there (we were 10 @ the
time). There parents had left and it was all of us 15, maybe 16 kids. Well fortunately,
their parents had a liquor cabinet and they had left it opened. My friends were
the only ones who noticed. We were in the kitchen and we took out 12 different
bottles and MIXED THEM ALL!!!!! We drank like 20 of these then went back to
the living room for the party.
By this time we were pretty shot, so we were wobbling all over the place at
the party. Luckily the kids just thought we were making up some wild and crazy
dance. Later on things got a little worse. By this time it was about 11pm and
my friends and I were sick like HELL!!! we were walking home from the party,
when one of my friends started to look a little green. We were all, "are
u okay girl?" and she ran toward some bushes and hurled so VIOLENTLY, the
sound and stench filled the air!!!!
Our friend got back up and told us she was okay. WRONG! she puked again on the
street making a giant multi-colored mess all over the street. BOY, I've never
seen anyone puke like that. Well then my friends went home and so did I. Still
feeling sick, I just went to my bed and slept. By 3 AM I was awoken by the pain,
gurgling, and churning of my alcohol-filled tummy. I got up and ran to the bathroom.
Unfortunately my older sister was in there because she TOO, went to a party
that night. So I ran to my bedroom and hurled all up in my trash can. This lasted
for like about in hour. a
After emptying my tummy, I went back to bed feeling worse than ever. To this
day every time I see alcohol, I start to dry-heave and get an upset stomach.
*the early drinker*
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Principal Poopy
There was a stomach virus going around my school. So anyway when my friends
and I were getting our lunch, our Principal came in the cafeteria to get his
lunch. He was looking a little green around the gills and was sweating, even
though it was pretty cold.
Without warning he vomited all over floor. It was a yellowish-greenish color
with chunks. Suddenly we smelled something awful and our principals butt was
liquid poop. It had come out both ends!
We all behaved ourselves for the rest of the day - nobody wanted to be sent
to the Principal's office!
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Casino Royale
We were driving a while to go and pick up my grandmother from a casino. Anyway,
before we went to go to the actual casino where both my grandmother and my Aunt
Sharon would be waiting, we decided to go to Hometown Buffet, where we always
eat all the food we could eat.
The casino was only five minutes away from Hometown Buffet and I was begging
to be let out to go to the bathroom, when I silently chundered all over the
floor of the backseat, it was in a perfect arch, a khaki brown color and had
some interesting bright orange chunks in it.
Well, no one heard me or saw me and for a while no one smelt me either. Well
I said sorry to my mom and since I had thrown a fit in the restaurant she thought
I had been talking about that when she dived into a whole "we were in front
of the public when you threw that fit" lecture, I interrupted her and said,
no I meant about the barf in your car.
Well we got to the casino and my mom took one look at it and I thought that
she was going to throw a fit. Luckily she has car mats, so she took a quick
look to see if any one was looking and pulled out the carpet in the car and
wiped it on the grass.
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Doritos Destroyer
Once, I was about 10 years old and I was at home alone. Well seein' how my dad
drinks beer and all those other stuff, I decided that this was opportunity to
try some of it, so I mixed just about all he had and drank up! Well after that
I had about 2 WHOLE bags of Doritos Chips, one being nacho cheese and the other
one ranch.
By this time I still felt fine, until about 30 minutes later. Now I had a slight
nausea sweep over me, but it wasn't so bad so I ignored it. Then all of a sudden
my tummy started to gurgle and churn, so now, I didn't feel so good. This gurgling
and churning lasted for about an hour. I sat on the couch groaning and moaning,
then I knew it was about to fly, so I quickly got up and ran for the bathroom.
I flipped the lights on and PUKED my guts out!!!! All up in the toilet I had
vomited like HELL! My stomach was still sloshing and churning and I still didn't
feel so well, so I thought if I filled up on more food I would be okay. WRONG!!!!!!!
I had filled up on practically everything there was to be eaten.
Suddenly I started to dry heave and then projected vomit all over the damn living
room! I was sooo sick!!!!! By this time I emptied what I had eaten and was just
dry heaving and my stomach was STILL sloshing. That's when my parents came home
and saw me there lying helplessly and groaning and moaning. They asked me what
was wrong and I told them I had just eaten too much. (and that was the truth!)
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Life Savers
One time me and my cousins were over my Aunt's house. Before that night we went
to six flags and got on roller coasters and dizzy rides and stuff like that.
Well my cuz said that her stomach hurt and she felt like she was going to throw
up. I said don't throw up on me, she said ok. She got a life saver and she swallowed
it, then she started to choke and she took a drink of water and............
BBBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
She puked up all over my Aunt's new beautiful carpet - white nasty chunks were
everywhere! After that day I never ate life savers again.
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Roller Coaster Ralph
My Family and my Aunt and Uncle and cousins all went to Islands of Adventure last Easter Break. I remember the date so vividly, but I wish I could forget, it was April 7th, 2003, and we just arrived at the park from city walk.
What do we see first?? The Incredible Hulk Roller Coaster. I Have always wanted to ride it, but it I doubt I'll ride it again. We get into the very front off the train and we're slowly going in this gamma-ray launcher thingy, and this doctor is screaming "Oh my god, something's gone wrong AHHHHH!!" (pretty retarded)
Then we shoot at, like, a hundred miles a hour out of the tunnel onto the most nauseating ride of my life. When the ride is finally over, I am so dizzy and nauseous I can't even see. Then I'm stumbling around the park like a jackass for the next half hour not feeling any better or riding anything. When we get to this near-miss roller coaster called
duelling dragons my family somehow got me to get on the ride (they half dragged me on). We get on this track called Fire Dragon (the red track) and we get halfway up the hill when I turn to my cousin and tell him I'm gonna puke!!
He doesn't take me seriously and we shoot down the hill. We go over the first inversion and I projectile vomit my $3.99 pancake breakfast all over my whole family and all over my face!! I puked 2 more times all throughout the ride, all landing on my face and family. When we get off the ride, the guy operating the thing is swearing his face off and other people getting off are puking as well (I Doubt it was from the ride). My Family is screaming at me like I just killed somebody. Let's just say the rest of my day totally sucked.
Oh yeah, I feel a lot better now!!
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The Heimlich Manoeuvre
This semester has been one from hell.
I started suffering from acute panic attacks that would lead to vomiting.
This semester, I’ve puked in class, puked in front of professors, and once on one.!!!!
The story I’m telling you know is one of the more recent ones.
I just got back two grades, one in Cellular microbiology and one in Bacteriology 529.
I was heart broken and freaked. I had a panic attack right in the hall of the Bio
science building. I tried to make it to the bathroom but failed.
I hurled on the floor (pink!? Which is weird).
As I was violently decorating the floor with my puke, one of my professors saw this
(micro/bacteriology proff). He ran over to me as I was puking and held my hair!!!
Wow, this is weird I thought, but nice. I tried to apologize for the huge mess I was
making, while still puking. I began to CHOKE!!!!! He gave me the Heimlich Manoeuvre. I made a bigger mess. Looked like
a Rainbow threw up!. Unfortunately, when he was giving me the Heimlich
Manoeuvre, in addition
to puking, stuff from the other end came out too. I hope I did not get you know…
diarrhea on him!!!!
I fainted. It turned out that he and some of his TAs wrapped me
in a lab coat and took me to the school Health Center Urgent Care. The really embarrassing thing is that I woke up in different clothes.
In fact, they were my proff’s TAs clothes. She always has an extra out fit in case
lab disasters ensue. So, like, who changed me?
Man, I hope I don’t see them for a while!!!
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Sorry Officer!
I was trying to go to a pharmacy and
get more anti anxiety medication because I’ve suffered from severe anxiety which
leads to vomiting. Anyway, I puked as I was driving, and was in the process of
pulling over when a cop behind me blares his damn
sirens and lights.
This did not help the
panic. Luckily I had proof of my
condition, and it was obvious I wasn’t drunk or anything.
As he was grilling me for information, I
warned him I was about to barf. He did
not listen and a puked out of the car window, spraying nasty pink chunks all over his shoes!!
The look of shock on his
face!! Believe it or not, he helped me
recover, and apologized to ME!!!
Wow,
that’s a first!
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Spaghetti Western
Here's the deal.
I was with my youth group up in Palomar Mountain; it takes about two and a half hours to get there from here. The last day we were there, they served us the same spaghetti that we had for dinner the first day we got there!
Anyway, the bastard of a bus driver decided to take the most windiest road in the history of the universe and already with a history of carsickness along with the spaghetti, I was feeling pretty nauseous!
I had my pillow because I thought that I could sleep through the pain that my stomach was now holding! I have not hurled in seven years, and I really did not want to start now! But the sleep did not help, I woke up because of the pain and knew that I was going to vomit! I dry heaved at least seven times and in the middle of my so called dry heave it turned solid, I threw up everything that I had eaten in the past week, it filled my whole entire pillow, it almost started to over-flow, though it did not and I felt like a million bucks! I felt renewed!
Anyway the stench started to fill the bus and people started asking around, everyone denied, including me! Many started yelling because there was a bathroom at the back of the bus. I did not use it because the bus driver warned us it was only for number one
because if not it would fly to the windshield of the driver behind us!
At least eight people, including my crush, got sick because of the stink, causing a chain reaction, EVERYONE got sick! The bus was a mess! I felt pretty good until my friend who sat next to me wanted to lie on my pillow she was feeling pretty sick herself! Of course, I had to refuse but that just ended up in her throwing up all over me causing me to throw up all over the person in front of me causing them to throw up again on
someone else (you get the picture!) Another chain vomit took place!
Finally we got to the drop off where all of our parents were waiting, when the bus door opened! Well, you know what happened, another chain barf! Well by the time everyone got their luggage and back in their vehicles to their homes I was feeling pretty sick again, we were on my street, just turned onto it when I threw up again in the car causing another chain vomit.
Well, my mom decided to let me sleep with her like I always do when I am sick in the middle of the night..... yep, I threw up AGAIN!!!!!!! Turned out that the spaghetti had food poisoning and everyone who ate it was sick for a week! My house was a mess
because whenever I would hurl in one room my parents would move me to another and then another, when there were no more rooms left, they moved me back to mine which of course was the furthest from the bathroom with no buckets or trash cans
any where in the room, so of course the cycle goes through again!
My mom and dad got sick of cleaning up after me and told me to clean up after myself, well the smell and sight triggered more hurl and I finally got to clean up all of it! PHEW!
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Taco Bell Barf no. 3
It was Taco Bell night at my house! I was pretty young and thought that I could eat anything and everything, which I did! I ate everything in sight! By that night I really was not feeling to good and knew that I was going to hurl. Well, I sleep on the top bunk of the bunk bed my younger sister on the bottom. In the middle of the night, I hurled inside of my bed, I just pulled back the covers and BLEEEEEEEEGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! Blew chunks everywhere!
By 6:00 in the morning it was pretty dry and I thought that if I could just pick it up and throw it over the side of my bed, I could just blame it on my sister in the morning. It was still pretty dark and I could not see anything, I ended up throwing all of my semi-dried puke onto the opposite wall of the room, fortunately, I woke up earlier than my sister and picked it off the walls and threw it into the trash can!
When my sister woke up in the morning she was complaining about the stench in the night that made her barf, when my parents found the puddle of sick in the trash can and in my sisters bed, they let me go free, my sister got the blame!
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50 Megaton Explosion
I remember a few weeks back, I had a bloody nose and swallowed a lot of blood. The next morning I needed to take a crap, after clearing the barracks I started feeling sick, so I went lie down. Then my mom came in and said: "Come eat a waffle," so I did, BAD idea! I started feeling sick again so I went back to bed, once again BAD idea!
I felt my stomach preparing to eject it's contents, so I quickly got up and
grabbed the trash can, and started heaving. But nothing except burps came up. After a few more of these 'heaving burps' I started feeling better, so I got up and got dressed. We went to a diner later that day, and since I didn't eat lunch I started grabbing any thing that looked eatable. BAD idea! We got home and watched a movie on HBO, in the middle of the movie I started feeling my stomach start to doing the
donkey bucks again, I ignored them, REEEEEAL BAD idea!
The bucking donkey
feeling turned into volcanic pressure feeling, I ignored it again! By the end of the movie my stomach couldn't take it any longer, then I felt the familiar Volcanic of doom eruption happening, I tried to race to the bath room, too late!
It started, this was no ordinary projectile vomit! Nooooo sir, It was like a volcano erupting! BLEEEEEEARGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! It exploded with what felt like a 50 Megaton nuclear explosion! A
magnificent cone, 5 inches in
diameter, 3 feet in length, flashed across the room, and hit straight on target, right on the TV screen! It didn't do it in on long
spray, ohhhhh no. it did it in bursts! 5 bursts each! It was a magnificent green and brown, and little chucks of blood splattered all over the
coffee table and TV! You can imagine the look on my parents faces! I got in the shower and went straight to bed, in the morning I felt great! This is a puking session to go in the history books!
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$9 Fish Breakfast
I had just gotten to my grandmas trailer park, when my grandpa surprised me with a fishing trip out onto
Lake Erie. At that time I did not know I was prone to motion-sickness. Well, the waves were
particularly rough that day and I had just eaten a HUGE breakfast. Eggs, bacon, sausages, toast,
perogies, milk, and some english muffins!
Well, we had been on this boat for 3 hours now, when I was beginning to feel 'questionable', so
I told my grandpa I was going to lye down on the deck. I had been down for less than 15 minutes, when
I was awakened quickly, by a sharp urge to chunk. I quickly got up, ran towards the edge of the boat, and ... nothing came up!
That's odd, I thought. but then, a massive wave of vommie was thrown into the lake, leaving me feeling utterly and completely empty.
My grandpa turned around and said "what a waste of a 9 dollar breakfast!" and he never took me out on his boat again.
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Shop till You Hurl
I was starting to feel a little sick when I was walking with me, my mom, dad, bro and sis in a clothes store. So I was like whining the whole time I didn't feel good.
Eventually I was taken home to get a shower and stuff and as soon as I got out of the shower, I felt sick and laid on the bed for a bit to make it go away, but then I couldn't take it anymore and I puked right on the floor. I couldn't make it to the bathroom. So I tried to go to sleep trying to avoid the awful smell.... YUCK!!!
I should have hurled in the store instead of waiting until I got home - talk about home shopping!
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Catholic School Chuck
I haven't puked since 1992 I think. Is that a world record? Usually when I feel sick I have a real hard time getting the offending load out, with
belaboured gagging and no projectiling. Although mostly my stomach is in a lot better shape since I stopped living with my parents.
However my most memorable hurl was in the 3rd grade in Catholic school, a real old-fashioned one where the nuns wore big heavy black robes that looked like the burqas the Taliban made women wear in Afghanistan. That morning when I woke up I was feeling, not nauseous but not well, and definitely in a no-eating mood. My autocratic father insisted I eat the breakfast my mom had prepared the main component of which was very hard scrambled eggs like a pile of little yellow chunks (this is the way it looked before it was eaten!) and a big glass of MILK.
Well anyway, gradually feeling worse I went to school. I was definitely at the nausea stage now. As I sat in class and Sister Adolf-Hitler-in-a-Burqa dominated the class of intimidated 3rd graders I was feeling sicker and sicker and sicker. Not being able to accurately assess how long before my breakfast would make a u-turn, I waited until I could wait no longer, when I had to get up, approached the good nun.
Standing in front of her looking up at her I said the following, all in a weak quavering voice (except for the last word which was very strong):
"Sister I think I'm going to throw up BLRRREEEAAAWWRRGGGHH!"
and projectile vomited (the strongest I ever have) a magnificent spew of little yellow chunk in a spreading sea right at the feet of the good sister with a lovely pattern of lovely yellow dots over the lower portion of her robe (she didn't get the full powerful jet, fortunately my head was aimed down, but my breakfast hit the floor with sufficient force that scrambled egg
particles went splashing all around including on her "burqa".
I felt all better then though still weak and she sent me home so not only did I put on a good show for the class but I got to skip school for the rest of the day. I was still pissed off at my Dad though.
Pablo in Atlanta
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The Christmas Vomit
Once when I was out for Christmas break, I decided I was going to just eat every thing that was leftover from our
Christmas meal, at the time I was only about 5th grade, so the possibility of getting sick never really crossed my mind.
So there I am staying up late watching t.v. everyone had gone to bed, so I decided that I would add to my stomach, I had already eaten dinner plus about 5 oranges, so I decided to go back and eat more oranges and a bag of cheese nacho chips. I felt fine, I wasn't full or anything, so I got sleepy and decided to go to bed.
Well I would say around 3 a.m. I started getting this sick feeling, (let me say that I'm not one who gets sick often).
I thought the feeling was going to go away so I rolled over in bed and tried to go back to sleep. but the nausea kept getting worse, then all of a sudden I let fly on my pillow, the bed, and the floor with a huge pile of vomit. I ran out of the bedroom with my hand clapped to my mouth and headed for the bathroom. I made it to the sink in time to puke another three times.
-the unknown puker-
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The Caring-sharing Vomiter
A friend of a friend was in a club and witnessed a drunk bloke go green and barf into his half empty pint glass. After a few seconds he put it down on a table and walked away.
Here comes the cringey bit....... another bloke, who was having a good time but not seriously drunk, picked up the glass, obviously thinking it was his pint he'd left on the table while he had a boogie, and proceeded to take a slurp.
His face went white, then the projectile vomit started, my friend's, friend decided to leave the club soon after!!!!!
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The Fickle Pickle
I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by the sound of my roommate evacuating his stomach in the bathroom. Who knows how long it had been going on for, but it ensued for another 20 minutes, followed with another 15 minutes of rather noisy nose-blowing. Then, just as I was drifting off again, the snot slinging started again. I heard him huffing and puffing, snorting and snuffing, and then I heard "ploop!" I thought: "What was that?"
Then, hysterical with excitement, my roommate screamed for me to look in the toilet. When I ran in the bathroom, I saw a perfect, undigested whole pickle slice floating in the toilet.
He said to me: "Dude, I just shot a pickle out my nose!"
Apparently, the green condiment had lodged itself in his nostril whilst he was regurgitating.
How fascinating!
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The Funky Chicken
This was the only time (so far) that I have vomited as an adult: I remember that day vividly, as it seemed to drag on forever.
I was on active duty in the USMC at the time and it was a beautiful Saturday morning. I had slept in quite late and missed morning chow, so I figured I could tough it out for three hours until afternoon chow. Bad idea. By the time the chow hall opened again, I was so hungry that I consumed six chicken sandwiches (the really greasy ones). About three hours later (around 7pm) I went out with my friends to rent some movies. While perusing the selection, I began burping very profusely. Mind you, these were not ordinary burps. Nooo sir, these were Acidic Volcano Burps of Death. I happened to let one fly near my friend and it was so foul, so putrid, that it made his eyes water and his nose burn.
Well, this carried on for about two more hours, all the way back to my friends room, until, driven by a strong desire to rid myself of the bubbling torrent of acidic fire that was churning in my stomach, I drank an entire bottle of Mylanta. Ah, bliss like you will never know. I thought myself freed from the evil demon that resided in my digestive tract. Little did I know that all I did was to lull the beast for a brief moment, for one hour later, I heard the Call. You know, the little nagging voice that whispers in your ear "It's time!"
Being the kind and courteous gentleman I was, I did not want to re-paint the interior of my friend's bathroom with Technicolor chunderspew, so I went outside to deliver a street pizza in the shrubbery. I had no idea what would come out of my gaping maw. Would it burn as badly as the deadly burps of before? Or did the Mylanta do its job? Negative, it would prove to be something very different from what I expected. It started as a huge, acidic burp which quickly turned solid.
The chow shower that ensued was nothing short of spectacular. The distance and volume of my lunch review was heroic. Not only did the dinner spray miss the yew bushes, the sheer volume of my walrus call attracted the attention of most everyone in the barracks. This fiasco endured for what seemed like an eternity, and when I had finished downloading my dinner on to the lawn, I noticed that my bout of oral diarrhea had disrupted my poop/fart separator and created a load of trouser chili.
At this point, I was feeling much better, having ejected my intestines, but had not yet discovered a way to handle the liquid chocolate surprise awaiting me in my drawers. Using all the resourcefulness I could muster, I took my poncho from the trunk of my car and fashioned a makeshift diaper to protect the vehicle's interior from the partially processed manure in my pants. Then I drove home and jumped in the shower, clothes and all.
I did learn one thing though: never eat at the chow hall again.
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The Blunt Truth
I was 16 at this time. It was December the 27th and I decided to go to my friend's
house with my cousin for a Christmas party. At that time, I weighted only 140
pounds at 5'10'' so needless to say, It doesn't take a lot of beer to waste
me. I had with me 3 beers and drank em in about 15 minutes.
There, I was beginning to feel woozy but not nauseous or anything. Then me and
my cousin thought it would be a good idea to smoke some pot. So we went to smoke
a blunt (pot in a cigar) so we smoked nearly 2 grams in that. With only 3 beers
in my stomach, I did not feel sick at this point. Now it was time to buy some
more beers. I remember going to the store with my false ID
and I bought 4 more beers. I drank em all in under an hour. Now I was pretty
hammered and being drunk decided to smoke another blunt. BAD IDEA!
Now I can only remember some little points. I stole about 3 beers from some
dude I did not know and drank em all again. Now I had 10 beers in about 2-3
hours with about 3 grams of weed. Now some older guy thought it would be funny
to give me shots of vodka and whisky. My cousin (who had only 4-5 beers) told
me I had 6 shots. Now I only remember that I got out of my
friend's car back at home. I walked to the back door but when I started walking,
I did feel quite weird. I suddenly stopped and began to puke. 10 minutes later,
I stopped and got into my house. I remember my mom and his friend laughing at
me being drunk and sick (I was my first time being sick on alcohol) but still
she was worried a little and took care of me. I went into my bedroom and fell
on my bed. Now I felt some more beer, chips and pizza comin' up, so I took an
empty shopping bag and puked in it. That's funny eh, we cant remember anything
when we are drunk except from our puking sessions. So after that, I thought
It would be great to have a shower. So I went in the shower, sat down and stayed
there for nearly an hour. I then got out and leaned over the toilet to puke
for another hour or so.
I remember my mom giving me fresh water to clean my mouth. Then I *walked* to
my room, puked my last guts into a bucket, fell on my bed and BOOM! Lights out.
When I got up next morning, I was quite ok. No headache but I did not feel like
eating so I drank TONS of water (I did not have any the night before at the
party). At the end of the day, I smoked a joint thinking it would make me eat
and it worked fine.
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Niagara Chunder Falls
My vomit story takes place when I
was just a kid (around 7). I was rudely awakened in the middle of the night by
a loud dripping. Looking around me, I saw that the source of the drip came from
the top bunk, where my younger brother slept. Not knowing what substance leaked
from up above, I cautiously peeked my head from underneath, only to have a
torrent of brown cake and ice cream chunderspew cascade upon my noggin.
My poor
brother had fallen asleep not feeling well, had then vomited in his sleep (hence
the dripping), and then vomited once more over the side of the bed and all over
my head. I had my just reward, though, for as my heaving bro leaned over the
bed to shower me with the contents of his stomach, he over-estimated and pitched
head first into the ever growing puddle of yak.
My brother survived his fall
with only a major injury to his pride and a minor one to his brain housing
group.
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The Toadstool Omelette
In the early 1970's, I spent a year studying in France with a prestigious American study abroad program. The first six weeks of that academic year consisted of an orientation to French society and intensive French language courses at Tours in central France. After that, I was to head for Paris to spend the rest of the year at the Sorbonne. While in Tours, I was the guest of a distinguished elderly couple. The man of the house was headmaster of the city's vocational training high school. His wife was known about town for her gracious hostessing and her superb cuisine. They were, in every sense, pillars of the community.
One evening about a month into my stay, the lady of the house served a mushroom omelette for dinner. I found it very tasty indeed. Upon noticing that the mushrooms were not the usual button mushrooms one buys at a market, I asked the lady where she had gotten them. She told me that she had picked them from the lawn at the center of our apartment complex. I asked her if they grew in a circle. She told me that they did. I then understood that these are what Americans call "fairy ring" mushrooms. They are not considered edible. I told my hostess, "Those are not mushrooms. Those are toadstools!" She replied that we Americans have very strange ideas about what is edible. She said that she had used these mushrooms in her cooking for years, and that nobody had ever gotten sick from them.
Well, at about two o'clock in the morning, some four hours after we had all gone to bed, the inevitable happened. I felt a terrific urge to puke. I rolled over in my bed several times, hoping to find a position that was more comfortable. My stomach kept on churning. Finally, when I could put it off no longer, I tiptoed down the hall to the water closet. European water closets are notorious for their echo effects. Although I tried very hard to quietly boot into the toilet bowl, bestial noises roared out of my mouth and were amplified by the walls of the water closet. It woke everybody in the household up. My hostess came to the WC, swung the door open, and stood in the door frame, pointing and giggling. "You're puking! You're hoarking! You're spewing!" She laughed as she named every French synonym for "vomit." Mind you, she was well into her sixties, a supposed
"Grande dame" of society. I was the only one to chunder. My roommate was spared the experience, since she did not like mushrooms and had not partaken of the omelette.
She gave me a killer of a look at breakfast a few hours later. The man of the house said my hurling had sounded like thunder or a wild beast on the loose. "I thought a lion had somehow gotten in here," he said. Needless to say, I still believe that I was fed toadstools and not edible mushrooms!
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Holiday Hurl
My story involves a family vacation that lives in infamy to this day. My mom, dad, sister and me were on our way to Disneyland during the Labor Day holiday. I was 13, my sister was 15. As was the usual back then, she was being a real bitch. Tormenting me and whining and complaining. Well, we stopped by a restaurant that had one of those all you can eat buffets. And we did. No immediate problems. So, we were back on the highway when a car accident brought the already heavy traffic to a standstill. That's when the problems kicked in for my darling sis.
She whined about being nauseous. Mom chalked it up to the summer heat and the car ride. She gave her some bottled water. Bad idea. Minutes later, darling sis frantically warned us that she was about to blow. My quick thinking mom handed her a plastic shopping bag just in time.
Then, darling sis proceeded to marvel us with what has to be one of the most impressive vomiting sequences in modern history. 34 straight minutes (yeah, I kept track of the time as I was unlucky enough to have a ringside seat) of violent regurgitation with intermissions of gagging and retching in the back of the family mini-van. The horror of it cannot be fully captured in words. I mean the smell, the sounds!
Finally, traffic eased up enough for us to make it to a gas station so my sister could--um--freshen up. She had to be empty by now, right? Wrong! The bathroom wall and floor could attest to that. She didn't even bother to aim for the toilet--just let the last of it rip. In the end, I couldn't help but smile a little inside despite what I had just been subjected to. I think the mean little cow got her just desserts--so to speak.
Her attitude improved remarkably after she recovered from that little episode...
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Babysitter Blues
I was babysitting my little sister Hannah coz our parents went out for their
anniversary. She told me that she felt like she was going to puke.
I took her to the bathroom so she could puke into the toilet and I wouldn't
have to clean the mess up.
She leaned over the toilet for about an hour I had to watch her the whole
time. Eventually she started coughing, but it wouldn't come out.
I went over to slap her back to help her. She turned around and stared at
me... She opened her mouth really wide and I could see it. It was coming so
fast right at me.
She barfed for about twenty more minutes then I could see her face it was
bright red and she started barfing again but nothing came out, so she got up
and flushed the toilet and walked off. I heard coughing again and she puked
all over my and her beds.
OMG!!! I was sooo pissed at her!
She started crying and puking her guts out. I locked her in the bathroom
until she stopped for good.
After that I threatened her - if she don't feel good to just go sit in the
bathroom. She said ok.
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The Burping Contest
My friend Ashley and I were having a burping contest to see how long we could
go with out barfing. (we were like 9).
I was timing Ashley, it was about 1 in the morning. She was trying to break
her record of 10 minutes. Right as she was at around 1/2 an hour her mom
told us to go to bed. We got in bed but she was still burping. She told me
that she couldn't stop, so I just kept timing her.
All of a sudden every time she burped a little bit a barf came out. By the
time she had gotten to an hour she had filled up a bucket full of barf.
She stopped and just looked at me. She had a weird look on her face. She
barfed about as much that was in the bucket all at once. At that sight I
barfed about twice that much. We both ran to the bathroom, but the toilet was
broken so we went to the bath tub. We were both barfing into the bath tub
all night to the next night. Her mom didn't do anything she said it will pass
soon.
I finally stopped but Ashley didn't. The bath tub was actually over flowing on
to the floor. I started barfing again. Ashley ran to her room and looked for
something to barf in. She barfed out her window right in to her Dad's convertible. Finally she stopped. My stomach felt really empty, so I went to eat
something.
Ashley wanted to eat, she looked like she was going to barf again. I was
taking pictures, it looked soo funny. She opened her mouth and I was ready.
She started to make the motions and sounds but nothing came out. All of a
sudden I saw a whole bunch of Shit coming out if her boxers. It was sooo
disgusting.
We haven't had one of those contests since.
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The Sausage Stick
Back in 1988 I had the most intense vomit session of my life.
I had consumed
a sausage stick earlier in the day, it was very tasty I thought. Later that
night I woke up and ran to the spew pit to spew groceries like groceries
have never been spewed before. While on my knees gasping for breath I
noticed my right nostril was extremely clogged. I grabbed a wad of toilet
paper and blew my right nostril while plugging the left nostril with my
finger.
To my amazement a one inch piece of un-chewed bloody sausage stick
popped out of my nose.
It was a night to remember.
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Chicken Nuggets
I was in eighth grade when we had to take the state standardized test
things, you know the all day affair. Anyway, for lunch was chicken
nuggets, needless to say it WAS one of my favorite school lunches. My
friend and I finished our tests early, so the gym was opened to us for
the last hour of the day. Ever since lunch my stomach hurt a little,
but I though nothing of it.
I was sitting in the gym, huddled in a corner watching everyone play
basketball. My friend thought it would be funny to steal my backpack, I
let her because I was trying to decide if I was going to puke now or
later.
Thankfully I made it home, although the bus ride sucked. I was home
alone, as my mom worked until six. I decided to chill on the couch for a
while, remembering that when I was sick as a little kid my mom would
give me sprite and crackers. I ventured into the kitchen, apparently we
were out of both. I figured that coke and tortilla chips would be like
sprite and crackers. Not even close.
Needless to say about a half hour later I found myself hanging over the
toilet. Lucky me, my vomit came out my nose too, just so I could smell
it for the next two hours.
I am now in 11th grade and still hate to eat the school's chicken
nuggets.
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How to Start a Fight.
I heard a story from some of my friends about a
dormitory party at my University.
There was a guy having trouble, running to the
toilet. He opened a random door and vomited like
hell...
...all over another guy sitting peacefully
on the toilet. It was a big mess. The victim looked at
himself (puke all over his clothes and naked legs), he
slowly moved his arms under himself, and picking up a handful of
SH1T from the bowl he said in a calm, quiet voice: "IF
YOU WANNA FIGHT, LET'S FIGHT!!!" and hurled it right into the puker's face!
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Lingering Reminder.
It was when I was a kid in Tulsa during the 1960's that this happened. GH
got sick every time he drank beer, so this time I was watching him. Since I was
driving, I put him in the front next to the door, making sure the window was
open on this cold November night. Just like clockwork, after downing two cans
of ill gotten Coors he started to get quiet.
"For God's sake, stick your head out of the window," I screamed as I
frantically urged the car to the side of the road. Too late though ...
projectile vomit laced with bits of pizza and snickers bars painted the
windshield and dashboard. That was bad enough, but it got into the vents and
every time I turned on the heater, I was reminded of that fateful night.
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Canoe Trip.
I was like 20 something years old, and I went on a
canoe trip with my friends. It was my craziest tour
ever! We followed a river through a famous vineyard in
Hungary and we drank all day, mostly red wine. One day
I met a girl, I asked her whether I could stay in her
tent for the night. She said okay, but since an other
girl slept there, I had to sleep in the middle. Later
that night (after a long day's drinking) I felt like I would throw
up soon, so I told her I needed fresh air. I put the
first half of my sleeping bag out of the tent, and laid
there motionless, hardly able to breathe.
The moment was about to come, but she came out to see if I was okay. The poor
girl was worried about me, so she laid down on my side. She
was looking to my eyes...
That was her luck, as my dinner was on the way, I
could not warn her. She saw the strange look on my
drunk face and did a quick push up. I threw up, and
the package nearly missed her.
She escaped, and hid herself in the tent again. I
woke up next morning with half of my face in my own
vomit.........
I apologized like 100 times next day....
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Dairy Queen.
My family and I were on a long road trip. We stopped to get Dairy Queen. We had my dog with us, and when I wasn't looking, she gulped up all my ice cream. Ok, I was a little pissed, but the worse was yet to come.
About 5 minutes later, my dog started making weird noises, like this: Hwoof. Hwoof! Then, suddenly, she projectile vomited all over the back seat and our luggage. She's a big dog, so there was a ton of puke. I got really grossed out and we pulled over to clean the back seat. We got back in the car and my dog fell asleep and my parents got all mad with me because the dog is lactose intolerant.
A second later...Hwoof! Hwoof! My parents pulled over so my dog could hurl, but, it was a false alarm. So we got back in our car and continued our trip to my aunt's house. Suddenly, my dog started Hwoofing again. This time, we were on the freeway, so we couldn't pull over. So my mom passed me a plastic walmart bag. I held it over my dog's chin, and she threw up more barf that I've ever seen in my entire life. She filled it up and I tossed the smelly bag out the window. My parents didn't even worry about littering, they just said, Dammit! Throw it out the window...
Thankfully, my dog didn't barf anymore on that trip!!!!
YUCK!!!!!!
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Fishing Trip.
I haven't hurled since 1991! I did it on a fishing charter off the coast of Oregon.
I had been on the charter fishing boat for about an hour when I looked at
my watch and said "Well, it's no longer a matter of if, but when." Finally
when it did come it was very noisy and chunky. It all went in the water. The
captain and the deck hand immediately started razzing me. "OH sick! look at
that! He didn't chew his food. I see a whole strawberry!" The other said, "I
told you bananas are unlucky."
I was laughing and felt a lot better, but we had 5 hours ahead of us
still. I figured I should refill my stomach so I didn't get messed up with the
dry heaves. I ate a half bag of cookies and a litre of water and about an
hour later it came again. I didn't have to wait too long for the third time,
which flew out like a cone. I was proud of that one. I didn't even put down
my pole. Thankfully we caught our limit in about three and a half hours, and
I left the boat feeling great and vowing to try again next year.
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Re-gurt-atation.
Have you ever heard of the gogurt line of yoghurt products?
When one of my
friends was over I ate one really quickly. A few minutes later my friend told
me a hilarious joke and suddenly the gogurt came up in a perfect cylinder,
all over him.
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This one time at Scout camp...
This one time I was at Garland Scout Ranch, way
back in fall of '94. We were eating breakfast in the
dining hall. Scrambled eggs, bananas, plus
corn-flakes and milk. It was okay, I guess. At every
meal, somebody at each table was assigned clean-up
duty. Needless to say, I was the one who got picked for clean-up duty on this particular day.
I had never liked to drink straight milk, (mainly from
having a bad experience when I was four years old), so
I when I opened my second bowl of cereal, I used fresh
milk.
One of the older boys slapped the wash bucket down on
the table next to me to remind me of my clean-up duty,
the soapy water slightly sloshing onto the table.
Being the immature 13-year-old boy that I was at the
time and fully knowing that I wasn't going to drink
any of the left over milk, I poured some of the soap
water into the old cereal bowl.
About 5 or 6 "Ewuu"s and "uugh"s emanated from the
kids around me, but Billy, the fat boy right in front
of me looked fairly grossed out. And since adolescent
boys between the ages of 9 and 14 generally tend
to get off on gross stuff, he was a prime target.
I ate a couple of bites from my "fresh" bowl of
cereal, and slid the "soapy" bowl towards him. "Here,
have some fresh milk," I told him.
"Noooooooo..." he stated, cupping his left hand over
his mouth and pushing it away with his right.
"No, I insist," I told him, sliding it back in his
direction.
"I'm gonna throw up," moaned Billy, his voice slightly
muffled by his left hand.
Then I threw the tiny cardboard cereal box into the
bowl, and pushed it back, saying "Here, would you like
some cereal with your milk?"
Instantaneously, he blew cornflake chunks straight
through his fingers, and out his nose, into a perfect
little pile on top of the bowl, like an all
original puke-art sculpture.
Me and the two kids around him stood up. The kid on
his left started yelling "Hey everybody,
come look! There's a kid throwing up over here!"
The whole cafeteria burst into a chorus of laughter,
making fun of the poor kid. I slid my half-eaten
"fresh" cereal bowl over in front of him and said,
"Uh, I kinda lost my appetite [which was the honest
truth]. Here, you can have the rest."
Billy turned to the side, and started hurling lots
more cornflake/banana/egg chunks onto the Dining Hall
floor. The other kids had gotten plenty far away in
time so that none of them got hit.
I stepped outside for some fresh air and thought I'd gotten out of my
table chores. However, Randy, our Troop 9
scoutmaster, had a nice long chat with me afterwards.
They made me clean the whole dining hall after lunch
by myself as punishment, which really sucked, but I
guess it wasn't as bad as the poor staff-person whose
job it was to clean up Billy's cornflake barf after
breakfast.
I went out trying to find Billy around 2:00 that
afternoon and took it upon myself to apologize to
him [I did feel kind-of bad about it], but his parents
had already came and taken him home. I'm not sure
whether that incident ever scarred him or not, but I'd
bet he had nightmares about it for years to come.
Glad I've matured since then. I had my Eagle-Scout
ceremony in summer '99, and I'm now 21 and attending
college, but I've gone off Corn Flakes, that's for sure!
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A Pregnant Pause.
My son was due to be born in 1 month. I knew that the office Xmas party was the last opportunity I'd get to have some fun for quite some time, so I arranged for my wife to pick me up and drive me home at a pre-arranged time.
I may have overdone the red wine tasting, because I completely lost track of time. I was happily flirting with two girls from the office, (I think my arms were around their shoulders for support), when my very pregnant wife came waddling in with an expression on her face that I hope never to see again. I opened up my mouth to say hello and out came a red spray of marinated cocktail food, red dyed stomach juices and wine - all over my wife's pregnant belly. I spewed three times on the way home, fertilizing select areas of real estate.
Lets just say that a week later I was still sleeping on the couch. Red wine and I don't enjoy each other's company anymore.
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Free Meal at Denny's
"This here is the true story of an attempt at the free Denny's birthday
meal. This story must be recorded for posterity. All names and locations are
changed to protect the guilty.
Around February 1991, one of
my friends, Greg, we shall call him, was going to celebrate his 21st
birthday. His birthday was on a Wednesday, not usually a party night at our
school. I offered to be his designated driver and jokingly mentioned the
Denny's Free Birthday meal for him after our night on the town. There was a
Denny's in the next town over closer to the interstate. We would meet at a
local party bar at 6:00 and let the partying begin.
Now the deal with Greg was that he had never partied in high school or for
that matter even in his first two years in college.
I hit the bar around 5:30 and Greg showed up around 6:00. I bought Greg
his first legal beer and got one myself. Of course I talked up the bartender about Greg's 21st and soon he
had a free bar shot of something. Pretty soon Greg and I were bullshitting
with the two guys sitting next to us and eating the hell out of the free bar
pretzels. Then the two guys were buying Greg first a mixed drink and then
another beer. We really didn't even really know them even though I think
they thought they knew us but free booze is free booze in my book.
Pretty soon all of us moved to a table and then a girl, Joanna, Greg knew
from a class, happened by with her roommates. Upon learning about Greg's
21st, Joanna bought him another beer while me and the other two dudes
chatted up the roommates.
Around 11:00pm I was worn out with the band noise and Greg was pretty
blasted. Plus Joanna and her roommates had drifted away as had the other two
dudes. I yelled to him that we would leave so we could go get his free
Denny's meal and I would buy my meal, being hungry as hell. We got into my
1985 Dodge Omni and we drove 20 minutes to the other
town to the Denny's. By the time we got there and got out of the car, Greg
was staggering. Now this Denny's, being closer to the interstate in another
town, didn't attract any or very few student types, especially at 11:40pm
during the week. There were a few older folks at the tables and a few
trucker types at the counter so we stuck out a little. The workers out front
were a couple of skinny middle aged waitresses at the counter, the older
matronly waitress who was seating us, and a bus boy who looked like a
homeless man was servicing a closed section of the restaurant.
We went to
get seated in a corner booth and I mentioned the birthday menu. Our waitress
gave Greg the birthday menu and me the regular menu that we spread out on
the table in front of us. I realized Greg didn't look
all that well as he sat there with his face in his hands and elbows propped
up on the table.
I said to him "How you feeling?"
His response " Not too good."
"Need to hit the restroom?"
"No," Greg responded" I just need to sit still for a minute."
At this he looked up from his hands and started to GUSH (with emphasis on
the SH sound) vomit into his hands, through his fingers, onto the menu. A beer and booze smelling, liquid/pretzel slurry
issued from his mouth ... no one in the restaurant would have a reason NOT
to know why he yakked.
"Ow shit "I said as I got up to go to the waitress who was just approaching
to take our order. Seeing the vomiting state Greg was in she yelled at me"
Get him the hell out of here!"
I turned back to the table and caught the look of death from the
busboy/homeless man wiping a table in the closed section of the restaurant.
A flash of realization came to me that I then knew who was going to have to
clean up the vomit which by now had covered most of the graphically
illustrated birthday menu in front of Greg.
By this time, Greg was muttering something about "Being so embarrassed" and
drunkenly attempting to clean up some of the puke with a regular paper table
napkin. I grabbed him by the shoulders and dragged him out of the booth.
Saying " I am so sorry" to all who could hear I steered him down the aisle
to the door all the while he kept saying, "I'm so embarrassed." I heard one
"Son of a Bitch" from one of the gentlemen in the booths but we made it to
the door with the waitress following. She yelled "Don't you come back" as I
poured Greg into the passenger seat of the Omni.
As I gunned the car away from Denny's, Greg was practically crying in
embarrassment about what had just happened. He was wiping off what amazingly
little puke had gotten on his shirt with tissues.
I started to laugh uncontrollably and pounded on the dashboard and the roof
of the car with my right fist as I steered with my left hand. Greg said, "
What the hell is so funny, man. I'm embarrassed as shit about this. What the
hell am I going to do?" I yelled, " You aren't doing anything, Greg. Have
you ever been to that Denny's before? NO! Are you going back there? NO! Were
there any students working there or eating there? NO! Is that Denny's even
in the same town as our school? NO! Greg, that had to
funniest damn thing I have ever seen and experienced and got away with.
You've just performed an awesome end to a 21st birthday."
I let this sink in to Greg's sodden brain a little and all of a sudden he
started to grin, laugh and say "Ohh, Man, Oh, man. Just don't tell anyone we
know." "No, problem." I answered.
I went by the next day after his regular morning class time to see how he
was doing. I found him still in bed at around 11:30am as he had skipped his
three morning classes. He both thanked me and cursed me for the evening
before.
We never partied together again (I wonder why?) though we are still in
contact as close acquaintances even after we graduated.
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Early Birds
One time two other friends and I showed up way to early for a party, as there was no one else there yet minus the host and her best friend. We had just come form the liquor store and had purchased a 40 of vodka. Obviously, our only choice was to sit down and start drinking, right there, at 6 o'clock. So we did shots, passing them around the table to three of us, doing as many as 10 shots each as
I recall.
Anyways, within about a half hour we were all smashed and rolling around the yard. As soon as people started to show up,
I began to feel the nausea.. as did one of my friends, and us being girls not weighing more then 130lbs it was safe to say that we would be barfing soon enough.
I sat on the couch, trying to trick myself into feeling better, when suddenly a huge load of liquidy barf came running up my throat and spewing out of my mouth and nose all over my shirt, I kept most of it in my mouth when I gained enough sense to close it, and then ran to the bathroom-- but did not make it, sadly enough. As
I turned the corner of the bathroom I violently yanked my head around, letting the
projectile vomit spray all over first the door, the walls, then the toilet and the mirror and then back to the door again. I had
successfully coated the four walls of the bathroom in a disgusting coating of liquidy salmon-colored barf. The sink and counter top were filled with barf, and as
I observed the terrible mess I created I could hear the droplets of vomit falling from the countertop and hitting the
linoleum floor.
The funny thing was, what little percentage of puke I actually got into the toilet,
managed to fill it. I have never barfed so much in my life, and plan to never drink like that again. Nonetheless, I felt MUCH better and tried to clean up the hideous mess, but seeing as I was too drunk to even comprehend what I did, I wasn't too successful.
I wandered out and tried to make out with my boyfriend, while covered in puke. He wasn't too impressed with me that night, and I hear that it took a long time for the bathroom to get cleaned up without the cleaner barfing at the sight and smell of all that vomit.
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Moonlight Barf
After a long drive up to Vermont I finally arrived at the home of my friend, Beth, who proceeded to pull out what little liquor she had in the house and pour us some shots. She layered Jaegermeister and Bailey's, which was awful, but she insists to this day is an actual shot. I had about 5 of these awful things.
Our friend who would be driving that night came to pick us up. We got in the car and he sparked a joint immediately. I puffed it gladly as we made our way on the windy winter roads to the bar.
Immediately upon arriving at the bar, I realized that I didn't feel well. I requested a glass of water and asked where I could find the ladies room. I was sure I had to push a log and then I'd feel better. Well. I dropped trou and start to push, when I get this sudden realization that I was in fact going to vomit. I did a quick 180, sunk to my knees and hurled.
Beth comes in a short time later to see what I'm up to. I hear her laughing outside the closed stall while I was stuck in my misery. What the hell is so funny? Well, between bursts of laughter and gasps for air, she manages to tell me that my naked ass is hanging out beneath the bathroom stall door, visible to all passing by. There was actually a group of spectators at the entrance to the ladies room, listening to me wretch while looking at my bare ass.
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Dry Cleaning
I was at a bar with my buddy Tony, getting very drunk at a bar when I couldn't contain myself and threw up all over my suit. Oh, no, I thought. Now Jane will kill me!
Tony said "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So we stayed for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually I rolled home and his Jane started to give me a bad
time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!" she said.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, I said, "Now wait a minite, I can e'splain everythin!
Itsh not wha you think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss
couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looked in the breast pocket and said, "But this is forty dollars."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
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Bacardi and Barf
I was once at this kinda upscale party with some of my good friends. One of them
had a house with a downstairs bar for the weekend. We were drinkin' cheap
whiskey and beer when 5 of us decided to do some vodka shots. We were havin'
a fun time until it was our 7th that 1 friend had prepared "especially" for
us.
We downed em all at once and in unison... all 5 of us unloaded onto the
table. The guy who owned the house was pissed and so were we. 3 of us,
covered with vomit, jumped up and started beating up the guy who gave us the
shots. He later told us he gave us bacardi 151 (70%) on top of seasoning
salt.
What a bastard.
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Feeding the Fish
This took place when I was on my, first ever snorkelling trip in Key Largo.
My friend and I got up early to meet the boat, but still had time to run by
Wendy's for one of their (now thankfully discontinued) greasy breakfast sandwiches.
I wolfed that down, hopped on the boat and we took off for the reef.
It was a choppy day on the sea and, considering the combined effect of an
evening's drinking the night before and that greasy sandwich,
I was getting pretty queasy.
I kept thinking, "If I can only get in the water, I'll be okay."
Well, to my immense relief, we arrived at the reef and hopped into the ocean to
see the fish. What I'd failed to consider was that lying flat on the waves to snorkel
would have the same effect on my ravaged tummy as being on the boat -
possibly worse because I was breathing through my mouth using a salty tasting tube -
but not for long. Suddenly, it all came back up!
Not wanting to foul the rented snorkel, I yanked it out and let it fly in the water
around me. It was immensely gross for about 30 seconds,
then a miracle happened - every fish in the reef came swimming my way and gobbled up my
embarrassing mess before any of it could drift toward the nearby snorkelers.
After relieving myself of my "burden" I felt great and had an excellent time.
The moral of the story? If you want to see lots of fish on a snorkelling trip,
stock your tummy with lots of yummies and let them fly to feed the fishies!
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The (NOT) Dream Date 2
This happened to my best friend after a fraternity formal back in the late 1970s. He had asked a really hot girl from work to the event and was really feeling full of himself, since he was taking such a hot babe to the party. All went well at the formal - his frat brothers were green with envy - and went even better when he got home, because "hot date" wanted sex.
My lucky and quite drunk friend hopped into bed with her and after a little initial foreplay decided to oblige when she indicated she'd like some oral sex. Unfortunately, after a night of drinking, dancing and sweating - things "down there" were a little less than pristine. He made a few swipes at his "appointed task" and suddenly felt the urge to hurl.
Being the ultimate southern gentleman, he leaned over the edge of the bed and barfed on the floor. Hot date was horrified! She leaped out of bed, grabbed her clothes and got dressed on the way to the car. My pal ran down the driveway after her, stark naked, screaming apologies and begging her to forgive him. Needless to say, she refused and wouldn't even talk to him at work. Twenty plus years later, we speculate she's probably had to have a lot of therapy and is a heavy consumer of feminine deodorant sprays!
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Hot Shot
A few years ago I went out with my friend and a girl I was trying to get
together with. We went to a dive bar off the Las Vegas Strip to drink
beer, play pool, and do shots of tequila. One of the shots made me feel
like I was going to puke, but I didn't want the girl to see it, so I
tried to keep my mouth shut, while I discreetly went to the men's room.
However, the vomit came up so fast, and there was so much of it, that I
was unable to keep it in my mouth, and I ended up spewing it right there
in the bar. I was holding a pool cue at the time, ready to take a shot,
and the puke travelled all the way down the cue, dripping off of it like
icicles onto the floor. I went behind the bar and got a mop and bucket
to clean up my mess, but the damage was done - the girl lost any interest
she might have had for me.
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Table Manners
The night we had gotten done with the school year when I was a junior, me and some friends decided to stay at my house to get ripped and look back on the year. I had bought two bottles of cheap whiskey off of my older sister for the occasion. By 12:30 both of them were gone and we were all pretty heavy set. An hour or so later my mom yelled up the hallway to tell us to shut up and go to bed, so we decided to retire for the night. At some point during the night my friend Jake knew he was going to let some fly and told me he was going to the john. I was half asleep and drunk and forgot that the toilet wasn't there because it had broken and we were getting a new one.
The next morning my mom yelled for all of us to come downstairs, not saying why. We rolled out of slumber and I wondered what was wrong. When we got downstairs my mother pointed towards the kitchen, still curious me and my friends walk in. Right there in all it's early nineteenth century glory was our heirloom dining table, covered in puke.
Apparently Jake couldn't find the light in the dash to the bathroom and just let go where to toilet had been (he had been to my house before). Where he puked was a hole about eight inches wide. It had gone straight down onto our kitchen table.
Needless to say my mom was pissed, and she doesn't get pissed easy. Me and my friends spent
a lot of the summer vacation doing yard work around my house to pay to have the table re-finished.
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Laugh it up
The first time my friend ever threw up as a result of alcohol ingestion, we were 15 or 16. We had somehow acquired a litre of cheap vodka, and brought it down to the bottom of my driveway one night to drink it- away from the watchful eyes of my parents. As a chaser, we brought along a couple of 12 oz. juice bottles, as well as a bag of tortilla chips to munch on.
So there we were- smoking butts, playing fetch with my german shepherd (Ulla), and taking bigger and bigger hits off of the vodka bottle, followed by a hearty swig of juice to wash away the rancid potato taste of cheap vodka. Eating the salty chips also made us thirsty, and we very quickly ran out of juice. While I knew that straight vodka with only tortilla chips as a chaser was probably a bad idea, I also knew that going into my house to get more juice in my half-cocked state would be a sure bust. So we proceeded forth, undaunted.
I remember taking what was probably the 2nd or 3rd long swig of straight vodka, unrelieved by juice, washing clumps of chip from my mouth down into my belly. I took a long breath as I felt all the chips in my stomach form into what felt like a ball, and felt that ball bounce around my vodka-filled belly. My mouth began to fill up with spit, and I knew what had to be done. Being at this point already a seasoned puker, I casually stood up on the side of the driveway and leaned over the grass with my hands on my knees in a sort of half-stoop. I waited. My friend, who often made it a point to boast that he'd never drank himself to sickness, found both my stance and my circumstance completely hilarious. As I started to heave, I heard him laughing hysterically- and then listened as that stupid laugh abruptly gave way to the sound of his unbridled retching. While I had maintained some relative form of composure throughout my vomiting, this kid had gone from pointing at me and laughing in a seated position to spastically whipping himself over onto all fours and heaving violently all over the driveway. My gut-wrenching laughter was interrupted only by spontaneous bursts of vomit, as I'd look over my shoulder at this utterly graceless and pathetic form my friend had been reduced to, then would be forced to suddenly turn forward again and hope that this time I wouldn't get it on my shoes.
This scene kept up for probably a minute or so when I suddenly heard my friend's breathless and ill-composed voice: "Ulla! No, no, back! Get back, Ulla!" My dog had begun licking up my buddy's puke off the pavement, which seemed to make him even more ill. I saw him desperately shove my dog's head to the side in an effort to not puke on her as he continued to blow forth the dreaded vodka and chip-chunk spew.
To this day, the images and sounds of that summer evening of my youth brings warmth to my heart and tears to my eyes.
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Boot Polish
When I was a teenager (25 years ago), I went to a party and there was a
bunch of local tough guys there being obnoxious and arrogant. After a few
hours of drinking beer with my friends I felt sick. I left the house to find
a place to vomit, lost control and vomited hard on Tough Guy No. 1's boots.
It took him by surprise, he jumped back and said "What the Fuck". I ran
behind the house and hid under a car. Soon I could here a bunch of guys
looking for me and they were all talking about how they were going to beat
the crap out of me. It was really dark that night and I am convinced that
the Grace of God was with me, because I remember these guys as really
serious brawlers and not the forgiving type. If they had found me I would
have been really hurt. Instead, I fell asleep, came out later and walked
home.
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Get an umbrella!
It was my 13th birthday and I was so psyched. My uncle had bought me tickets to see my favorite concert. I was the only 13 year old among other older teens. People were drinking, smoking and having a blast. I was amazed at what I saw. As we were leaving the concert we had to walk through the aisles to get to the exit. As I walked, with a huge smile on my face "it" hit me. Suddenly like a down pour of rain, someone vomited off one of the balconies all over my head.
I was in shock. As I looked up I saw another shower of warm, orange chunks coming my way. Luckily I was able to miss the falling vomit the second time but the first time really got me good.
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The Centrefold.
Back in the mid 80's, I was at a frat function and was the M.C. for our end
of the semester banquet. I had recently started drinking snakebites-a shot of
Yukon jack with a splash of Rose's lime juice. This night I was ready to
party as my date was a friend of a friend and a knockout.
I mixed an entire
fifth with a rose's lime juice bottle in a pitcher of ice. Chugging all of it
in under three hours, I was reduced to rubble. While seated at an empty
table, she approached and immediately gave me a huge ration of heat. Geez was
she beautiful, standing before me in her fabulous dress. Well, you know how
usually you've got a few seconds from that puking notion until it starts to
rise? I got about a 2 second warning and man was it coming fast!
I grabbed
the first receptacle I could find. My eyes darted to the water goblet. As I
grabbed and leaned forward, the spew spanned about a 12 inch to hit the glass
bulls-eye. And it kept going, in and back out. My vomit threw a full 180
degree turn off the bottom and pegged her, chest to knees. So I laughed,
being hammered. She stormed off and I retreated to an outdoor trash bin to
finish up.
A little sister of my frat came to help and we ended up dating for
over two years. I didn't see the other girl again until a year or so later
she was featured in the girls of DC Playboy spread. Hah!
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Chuck and the Tomato Plant.
I had been eating, drinking and making merry at a cousin's house and
when I left there, I began to start feeling a little, uh, sick. I parked the
car, and opened the gate to go in. About that time, what I had been eating,
drinking, and, etc., decided to exit my stomach, and went all over dad's flower
bed.
One of the things I had been eating was tomatoes, and somehow, one of
the seeds decided to take root and come back up in the flower bed. To this
day, I have never told dad where that tomato plant came from!
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Spewy Boy Benny.
I think this is pretty close to the colour of my chunder, on Friday night (from vague memory.)
hehehehe you can run, but you can't hide!
Thanks for trying to kill me on alcohol that night guys, luckily I survived- like a
phoenix, rising from the ashes.
I knew if I let on that night that it was me, that half of Adelaide would be on my back and I would be answering questions on the spot. I wasn't in the right state of mind for interrogation at that point
SUNDAY 10am after 3 hours sleep ...... the phone didn't stop ringing. Steph visited, and christened me "spewy boy" I
hadn't even had time to get accustomed to that level of pain for the day.
My Bro, who works at the pub in question, was told by bar staff that they suspected that I had done the deed, and asked him not to tell me... WELL, Kristien conducted his own thorough investigation. (i expected nothing less)
My mate from Broome, Nathan, who had already made me the object of his humour, dragged me out again the next night to the Crown and Anchor, where my bro was having a beer with the guys in the band we went to see . They are probably going to name a song after me. I was then told that the poor fucker who cleaned up the URINAL in which I unloaded, was less than impressed.... and knows who I am. heheheh, thanks dude, WHOEVER YOU ARE.
Kindest regards,
SPEWY BOY BENNY
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Parental Consent.
I had this idea when I was little that I had to make sure my parents knew I was going to barf BEFORE
I barfed. So when I was 6 I felt barfy in the middle of the night and went into my parents' bedroom. My dad was closest to me so
I tried to wake him.
I said, "Da..." but before I could finish I spewed barf all over him which made him jump out of bed. I think
I freaked him out pretty bad. Oh well. Needless to say, I can barf without my parents' consent now!
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European Hurliday.
When I was 16 and very good looking, my parents took me to Europe on one of
those see every country in 2 weeks deals. We were in Switzerland and were
served croissants and hot chocolate for breakfast. We were then herded into
a bus to go through the Black Forest to France. The road was quite windy.
The tour guide had been flirting with me for the whole trip. I was sitting
in the front seat of the bus, and the tour guide had a chair in front and
below me.
I started feeling very nauseated and began looking longingly at a
trash can right next to the bus driver. I figured if I really had to blow I
would go for that trash can. All of a sudden I puked and it went all over
the tour guides head and all over me. It was brown and gross. The bus
driver stopped the bus while I continued vomiting in the rain and on the
forest. I looked up and saw a whole bus load of tourists staring at me. At
lunch we stopped at a restaurant in France. The owners of the restaurant
lived upstairs above the restaurant and allowed me to take a bath and change
clothes there.
Needless to say the tour guide stopped flirting with me for
the duration of the trip.
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Rocky Sicks.
I also have another funny story. This took place
right after the first Rocky movie came out. I decided I would put raw eggs
and orange juice in the blender to become stronger just like Stallone did in
the movie. I did this right before I was going to work. I pulled into the
parking lot at work and vomited yellow ooze all over my lap and car seat!!
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Fido the wonder dog.
After a rather sheltered childhood due to very strict parentage, I was glad
to be invited out to my first real piss up when I started nursing school.
I figured a bottle of wine would be safe as everyone else was drinking
mixers. WRONG!
I made it past my Mom OK and straight up to my room; but
things got dicey when I tried to pass out on my bed. My parents slept
downstairs, right next to the bathroom! I knew if I went to spew in the
bathroom I would be busted, and soon nature took its course and a fountain
of hot vino erupted from the deep. I managed to lean over the side of the
bed, but left the mess on the floor for later.
I remember praying to God
that I could get things cleaned up without my parents finding out; but woke
up in the middle of the night and felt what I figured to be my Mom wiping
my face with a warm wash cloth. Next morning the hard wood floor to the
side of my bed was spotless. I headed down to breakfast with Mom & Dad
ready to face the music, but all were in good spirits except me!
I thought
that my drunken prayer to God had been answered. Then my black Labrador
greeted me, his breath reeking of wine! The only thing I can think of is
that he had not only licked my face clean, but polished up the mess on the
floor too! Now I'm left to wonder the rest of my life; does God really
take care of little children and drunks? Or do dogs just like warm wine!
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Bad Pussy.
After a pub crawl in the city I ventured home on my own on the bus. I kept
restraining myself from chundering, taking deep breaths etc. Then it came up
twice. Still drunk & out of my head I swallowed only forcing it up and out
with a force. I was conveniently sitting with people facing me and I got it
mainly on myself and on the guy opposites bag which was on his lap.
I then
some how made it home and while I was at the doorstep trying to find my key, I threw up again
and hit the cat! Oh poor Jack I thought. But in my defence, I
have cleaned up Jack's yak plenty of times.
My brother mistook my spew for a
knock on the door and let me in. The next day mum complained of cleaning up
the cat's yak on the door step. Thank goodness my friends weren't around to
witness my humiliation especially being a girl n' all.
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A Family Affair.
A couple years ago on the fourth of July, it was night time my family and I were out to watch the fireworks when suddenly I didn't feel so well.
My dad took me to a garbage can and then it happened I started to barf, then we went back, but then my sister didn't feel so good and she started to barf and then my brother did too, so it was a fourth of July I'll never forget!
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The Piano Puke.
I was about 8 and living in Cincinnati and stayed over at a friends house
the night before Easter. The next morning I was not feeling too well and to
top it off his mom served Eggs, runny cheesy eggs, the way that they liked
them. It was decided that I would be going with them to church that morning
and stay with them the rest of the day. On the trip there I was seated in
the back seat trunk, (it was one of those old station wagons where the trunk
folds up into a double seat), and we happened to go through the train park.
The car was bouncing me around horribly, and making me very sick to my stomach. I
don't remember going into the building only that we were sat down in a huge Christian
cathedral church, probably the biggest one in the area. After
sitting dazedly through the first part of the service there came a children's
time where all the younger crowd would go towards the alter and the priest
would give a small talk, and then the kids would leave for Sunday school.
Well when this time was at hand, my friends mother said that I would have to
go up there with the other kids. I pleaded to remain seated and not further
upset my stomach, put she literally pushed me up off the pew and propelled me
toward the front of the church. By being reluctant to go I was the object
of attention for all the church patrons and the priest, who asked me to take
a seat when I got closer. Something snapped and I turned green and ran
toward the closest thing that I could hang onto to vomit into/around.
Unknown to me though told to me later I ran up the steps of the altar and
over to the grand piano sitting on the side and proceeded to puke all over
and into it. I ran out into the hall, when I got the chance, and begin to
fill the entry area completely with neon green vomit. I was helped out of
there when I finished puking and led to Sunday school where I spent the rest
of the hour or so in the bathroom dry-heaving. The last thing I remember
from that day was my friends mother saying that she was sorry for not
listening to me.
Found out later that their family paid to have the piano cleaned and it was
not cheap. I have no idea what the congregation thought about it though.
Ugh, I still have nightmares about that.
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Back Seat Driver.
Well, I was in the backseat of a car after an alcohol ridden night of drinking up on the Berkeley Hills. I had already spewed all over the side of the bushes and still felt vomitous. Anyway, the front passenger {mind you, a very fine lookin' lad} oblivious to my condition and unaware of the fact that I had just rolled down my window cause I thought I was going to hurl, well he came out of nowhere and projectile vomited all over my face, being that it was out of the window. Like a dog trying to get a little air. So, not only was I the spew-er but was also the spew-ee. In the mouth, in the hair, you name it, it landed on my upper body region.
So, yes I saw this fine lad again and never have we spoke of 'the incident.'
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New Years Resolution.
Many years ago, I spent a witheringly boring New Years eve at home with my parents. A close friend of mine dropped by around 10 pm with his then-girlfriend to share in the misery. We holed ourselves up in my room with 4 bottles of cheap champagne a bag of Costco chips and about a pound of guacamole and had at it.
Well, I guess my friend got out of the gate a little quick (that, or he seriously front loaded) and got drunk really fast. About 12:30 or 1 we were all pretty wasted. My memory is spotty, but I recall struggling to the toilet for a major puke session, after which I felt much better. I laid down on the floor in front of the sink to recover from my gastric convulsion. Several long minutes later, I was roused from my alcoholic reverie by my friend who was pounding on the bathroom door demanding that I let him in (apparently, I'd inadvertently
locked it). I managed to crawl to the door and open it.
My friend immediately burst through and opened up on my head and neck (I'm still in a supine position, mind you) with about a gallon of the most reeking, bile-colored vomit ever known. A combination of partially-digested Cook's champagne, guacamole and whatever fast food shit the bastard had eaten earlier that day coated my face and poured down the front of my shirt. Unfortunately, my mouth was partially opened as he entered, and I ended up swallowing a goodly amount of the load. I inhaled some through my nose, as well. The taste of the puke set me off again, and I turned my head and puked (rocket-sty