Welcome to the web's premier vomit humor site!
You drink, you get drunk, you throw up, you pass out, you
wake with a hangover and a hell of a mess to clean up... but a great story to
tell - if you can remember it!!
pure comedy!
Got a story to tell?
Click here to mail it in to us at The Vomitorium and who knows, you might get to puke on the web!
Spaghetti 1
I remember a friend telling me the difficulty he had trying to remove spaghetti from his nostrils after throwing up. He had to pull it out with his fingers as continuous retching failed to remove it. He was at a bus stop at the time!
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Spaghetti 2
I can sort of relate to the spaghetti one. I woke up one morning after a night on the piss with a blocked nose. Got some tissues and blew it and a huge noodle came out. Guess I must have spewed some time the night before.
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Civilized Behaviour
No, I didn't vommie at the conference in Lorne, just walked into a window and broke my nose. I actually don't have a good vommie story - every time I have been drunk I have made it to the toilet and spewed in a ladylike fashion.
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Holy Bag
My favourite 'sicky' was being sick in to a Sainsbury's bag while travelling at speed down the A1. The handles make useful hooks which fit around your ears. I have also tried this with a Tesco's bag but they have holes in to prevent little children suffocating.
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A Near Miss
I was standing around in the Coleherne - perilously close, as it turns out, to the toilet door. A young man rushed towards me and a vast wide gush of projectile vomit flew from his mouth horizontally over a distance of about eight feet. It missed me by eighteen inches. I was grateful for that. He didn't make it to the toilet. I walked away, my poise unruffled.
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Motorcycle Helmet
A friend of mine was given a lift home on the back of motorbike once after drinking about 18 pints. He threw up in his crash helmet. Luckily he was near his house when it happened or he might have died. The best bit was getting the helmet off so I'm told.
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The Meeting
Well fellers, it happened up like this. It didn't happen to me, but it sure was funny.
I was at work when the "boss" called a meeting.
All the little underlings came and gathered like the good, obedient little bureaucrats they are. You know the drill; scurrying and finding an extra chair or two, grabbing a cup of coffee, and the like. Throw in a couple of pitiful jokes and you have the scene in the office on this fateful day.
The boss, we'll call him Wayne Smith, called the meeting to order with his usual goofy quip of a bad joke and the meeting was off and running. Not much of a meeting mind you, the normal stuff that rarely meant anything.
About ten minutes into the meeting, Wayne drew quiet in mid-sentence. The other six of us stared about for several seconds. Wayne then absolutely bellered out....I mean LOUD.., "oh, bitter pill!!"
We scrambled backwards in our seats due to the sheer shock of it. Then a second screaming warming, "oh rancid!! oh heinous and foul rank!!", he exclaimed. Bout that time, he leaned slightly upwards (not down) and let loose with the most horriffic, sickening, wretched, soured and smelly display of hosing gut slosh I'd ever beheld.
People screamed and scattered, but Wayne Smith simply tried to catch the raging torrent of gallons of puke in his small cupped hands (so you can imagine how that went). Just when we thought he was done, he actually leaned up onto the table and shouted, "oh bitter belly of putrid porridge!!" We couldn't believe some of these wild things he was reciting but there was no time to criticize. A second nostril ripping splatter of belly batter spewed across the table.
People gagged and some cursed. With that, we adjourned and went our ways, leaving him to clean up his own
carnage. Nasty stuff at the meeting.
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Stomach Flu
I bought chicken at the super market and ate it one night. I felt fine afterwards, but when I woke up I felt really nausious and vomited all over my bed and on the floor. I ran to the bathroom clutching my mouth and stomach. After the initial upchuck I was feeling fine and went to school. BAD IDEA!
I didnt eat lunch coz I started feeling really sick again. I told my teacher I didn't feel good and she gave me a pass to go to the nurses office. The nurse told me to wash my hands in the bathroom and I did, but PUKED 7 times in there also.
She heard me chundering and opened the door and sent me home. My mom immediately took me to the doctor. I get sick on planes coz of the smell and the doctor's waiting room smelled like one, sooo the minute I walked in I barfed 5 times on the floor and 3 times in his garbage. He said I probably had the stomach flu, but to know from what he said he has to run 3 tests. The first test was 3 questions how do u feel. HORRIBLE. What are your symptoms? puking, headache, diareah, and tiredness. Have you eaten recently? no.
So he first made me puke with a gag reflex and saved it in a sample cup. Then gave me a lot of orange juice to drink FAST and barf it up in a cup. Last he gave me alot of bread to eat. Told me to try to hold it down for 20 min and throw it up. LASTLY he gave me a liquid called ipecac that makes u throw up everything consumed in 48 hours and took all hose samples to the lab (I wouldn't want to be the lab guy who had to analyse that!)
He said if I had bacterial stomach flu I would be better in a week! Then he then started talking about the barf samples and they looked gross which made me then hurl 10 more times on the floor which was green, brown, with pink chunks. I felt soooooo sick.
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Dog Spray
Once when I was only 16 I went to the local pub and my cousin bought me a load of Jim Beams and coke.
I drank them all and felt fine, then I called a taxi and went home. When I got out of the cab I threw up on the nature strip, then on my way to the door I threw up in the rubbish bin. The only thing I remember after that was a friend shaking me saying get up.
I was lying in my chunky vomit soup then I got up and my dog came into my room. I bent down to pat the dog and ended up barfing on her. The poor thing was covered in puke.
The dog shook herself like after a bath and vomit sprayed everywhere! It was all over the walls, the floor and my bed. The smell of it was terrible and I ran and filled the toilet with vomit - I was almost choking while vomiting.
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Fishing Puke
One day when I was getting ready for work I felt a little nauseous, but I was not going to let that stop me because I LOVED my job I worked as a toxicologist. I did not eat anything and my workers asked me if I felt ok I said "yeah ok" as my answer.
Later as we were fishing trying to catch a fish to study, I told them I felt sick and they wanted to tell our boss so I could get out. Fortunately ( for me at least ) we were out on a boat and we could not leave until we caught the fish we were studying.
I warned them I was gonna puke like 1,000,000 times but they did not do anything. We were looking at the fish when all of the sudden BBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! all over the fish the men and in the water.
We were on the side of the river when it happened so my puke got everywhere so it got in a puddle on the side of the river, it was a greenish-yellowish color and it was REALLY chunky with bits of food in it.
After that we had to go back to our site and get me home, but on the way I vomited a few more times on my workers and well hell you name it I puked on everything! this is a date I will not forget!
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Barfday Cake
One time my brother, who was 14 at the time, had been drinking ,"Hawaiian punch", well for some reason he was decorating a cake for someone's birthday party. He said he didn't feel good, and started to get that, I'm going to puke look.
when I said "go to the restroom", he simply shook his head then looked at the cake and projectile vomited all into the center hole of the cake. The vomit consisted of chunks of oscar meyer, pineapple, pizza, chicken, chinese food, tacos, chips, a penny (don't ask), beans, rice and corn.
Long story short he decorated the cake (puke and all) with icing, said it was a custom cake, and the people who received it said they loved it!
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Wonderbarf
I was at Canada’s Wonderland with my girl and I had a memorable experience that I will not soon forget.
I had been waiting to go on top gun all day, but milady is a tad coaster scared. So I went on the easier stuff like dragon fire and jet scream (she’s not THAT scared). My feet got sore and we were about to go home when we saw that there was only a 2 minute line on top gun! How glorious! I begged her to go on with me and she didn’t budge, so I went on without her slightly saddened and buckled next to a stranger and behind a stranger and in front of a stranger…you get the picture.
We started and the coaster and I was having a great time until I heard the shrieks of the girl ahead of me, and the gagging and coughing and the wheezing and then *pow!* I got hit right in the middle of the face with a giant ball of her puke! It flew all over my face and in my open mouth and the people behind me. I was like that until the ride was over. I saw my girl at the exit laughing her ass off the second she saw me! To this day (we’re now engaged) she jokes about it whenever we go to Wonderland.
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The Contest
When I was about the age of 10, my friend and I were having a sleep over that night. It was about 1 am so my parents, brother, and sister, had all gone to bed for the night. My friend and I challenged each other to empty out the contents of the fridge. Between us we ate 5 pieces of pumpkin pie, 3 yogurt cups, 3 cups of milk, 2 cups of orange juice, a whole 8 package of summer sausage slices, 2 pieces of cheese, 6 pieces of chocolate pie, a whole double size container of cottage cheese, 7 waffles, a whole bottle of applesauce, and to top it off, half a container of rainbow sherbet ice cream. We were both bloated.
She then dared me to drink 8 glasses of water, in 16 oz. cups. I took her challenge, because I had eaten so quickly, I didn't feel full yet. I drank all the water, and told her she had to do it also. She only got to 4 glasses before she admitted defeat. We got bored, and began doing handstands against the wall, as we usually do. The water and food sloshed in my stomach, but that didn't bother me, I ignored the feeling completely. We finally got bored and laid on the couch. My friend burped very loudly and we started laughing. I decided to challenge her in a burping contest, which was a very, very, bad idea.
We kept burping, my friend threw up in a trash can a little each time, but she ignored it. She finally got to the point where she threw up, full out. She was also crying, and I went for a trash can. She threw up 12 times (yes, I kept track, because I was the one holding the trash can) and stopped (fortunately) when the fifth trash can was full. We laid on the couch again and held our stomachs'. The churning in my stomach sloshed like a tsunami. I held my stomach, denying the feeling, still. Which was also a bad idea. But it only got worse, and the water and food in my stomach lurched over and over, forcing me to hold myself even harder. I could tell my friend wasn't doing so hot either. "Ugh... I don't feel so well." I groaned. "I better not upchuck again." My friend replied. When we both thought the feeling had passed, we decided to eat 2 cookies each. Terrible idea. The churning increased, and I knew what was coming. But it was too late, the bathroom was a room away. The projectile vomit shot up through my throat, and out about 6 feet onto the carpet. The chunder was about 3 feet wide and shot out through my nose also. I saw my friend grab a trash can and begin to hurl, and race to the basement toilet. I raced to the bathroom, throwing up once more on my way, and finally reached the toilet. I dunked my head in and puked my guts out. The barf was brown, with dark orange, and brown chunks. The line between one end of me, and the other end, was broken. I soon had liquidy diarrhea fill my pajama shorts, and roll down to the floor. HUUURRRRKKKKKK! BLEARGHHH!!!!!! Each vomit lasted AT LEAST 20 seconds each, filling up the whole toilet bowl.
I had barfed at least 30 times. When I stopped for a little, I walked out, to find my friend puking in the bathroom downstairs (luckily!) I found the urge to puke again so I sprinted up the stairs and into the bathroom, right before a volcano of chunder streamed into the toilet. I upchucked 45 times after returning to the bathroom. Flushing, and the stuff splashing up to my face, over and over. One was so huge, that it actually overflowed the toilet! This continued for 3 hours straight, throwing up every 5 seconds, no joke! And there were absolutely no dry heaves, all of them were full and burned. Eventually, I fell asleep, and woke up to an unhappy, but sympathetic, mother the next morning. I vomited 10 more times in the next hour, emptying all the contents of my stomach, and dry heaved the rest of the day. I knew after that to never challenge my friend to an eating contest again!
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Le Vomit
Once when I was around 15 years old I was in a french class at school, I felt my stomach start to churn, I remember thinking not now please! I could feel the vomit coming up from my stomach. My friend asked if I was ok and told me that I was really pale and that I should tell the teacher. I shook my head knowing that if I opened my mouth there would be a tone of barf waiting to come out.I could feel my lunch coming up, gradually working its way up to my mouth. I held my stomach, knowing that it was coming soon and that there was nothing that I could do about it, I was going to barf! I retched and I felt the slimey substance come up in to my mouth, my friend saw and started to rub my back knowing that I had to get it all up. I retched again and the vomit poured out of me. the class were staring at me with disgusted eyes and I stood up to try and get away but I heaved again and a violent rush of vomit came out again. The teacher ran out of the room not being able to stand it. I stood there vomiting a browny yellow mess onto the carpet. Not knowing what to do I tried to hold it in, without success. I ran out of the room leaving a mess of puke behind me. I went to the nurse and got sent home. I continued to vomit all through out the night spending most of my time in the bathroom!
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